The Cauldron 78
The Unsung Heroes
Here we go, HERE WE FREAKING GO!!!!!! I am so fired up right now this is better than Masters week. Cannot freaking believe I just said that. Sacrilege. But when our heroes Casey Pyne and Denis Mpanda are playing in the PGA Championship we can make an O&O exception. FREAKING MAJOR THESE BOYS ARE PLAYING IN A FREAKING MAJOR!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at this guy…
That’s from last week. Jockeying for Murph down in Alabama in U.S. Four ball. I have no idea what that means and really the only thing I find myself asking is does Tim Murphy have an actual job? Just curious. And hey, Panda, does Murph have you on a retainer or something? Murph, when you guys file your taxes do you count Panda as a dependent? (I can’t take credit for that it was overheard in Semloh maybe from Coco) Murph, what did Casey have to pay you to steal Panda away for a week?
Whatever the number was Casey you should get some kind of rebate because I would not call this preparing for a freaking major…
Hey get this, Murph was playing in this 4 ball thing with his brother Dan…
How freaking sick is that? When I had a phone interview with Panda last week he told me that Tim and Dan are one of three teams from the area to make this tournament and get this, out of 90 freaking teams. They went -9 in the qualifier. That is so badass and annoying at the same time. I am doing this whole new career thing I need Murph’s job if he has one…
And wait, just wait, when you think it cannot get any better than that, guess who is on Dan’s bag…
Freaking Billy The Kid Wilson. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? In the words of the O&O philosophical titan Chris Pilder - WHAT!!!!!!!!?????? Sweet Home Alabama!!!!!!! Billy The Kid is as chill as can be but hey Panda what is that some kind of caddie gang sign who do you have beef with you better not bring that mojo to Southern Hills or maybe you should whatever gets you in the zone and supports Casey but don’t let Nantz catch you doing that…
No doubt Murph takes his G seriously. I don’t know if this is fake news or not but I heard when Murph got married he and Krystal went on their honeymoon to Pebble Beach. Genius!!!! Denis didn’t make the cut, but apparently, Murph’s buddy from Cornell did (there it is again yet another IVY guy I know went IVY) and came along following the nuptials. That is some serious stuff. If true, that may be one of the all time best dudes taking their golf super seriously stories. And hey, what about Krystal? How cool is that? There is no chance there is a wife in the history of the world who went with her brand new husband and one of his buddies on a freaking golf trip for their honeymoon no chance…
I got to play Pebble Beach way back in the day. Was living in San Fran after college selling wine and my cuz BIG A was out there on business and he took me. Freaking sick. I didn’t even have a handicap then probably in the mid twenties and even though Alec kept saying that I suck at golf (thanks for the newsflash captain obvious) after pretty much every shot we had an absolute blast crushing hydration and the scenery holy good gracious lord…
Sorry enough on Murph that’s more than enough press for the club champ back to our hero…
Check out this action…
Denis was born in Kenya and he moved around a ton. You know why? His dad was this total freaking badass with the United Nations as a security officer. The dude would travel to all of these different places and assess the security risks before the diplomats and other important peeps would go there so they didn’t get taken out by snipers and Jihadists. That is some serious Jason Bourne type stuff…
Sadly, Denis’s dad is no longer with us. But the guy did leave a long lasting legacy with his son. Obviously a tenacious work ethic but also the game of golf. This is amazing I just freaking love this father and son action check this out…
Denis is a young Panda cub living in Tanzania and his pops is watching Tiger win a U.S. Open on television not an actual tiger out the back window in the yard. Dad is so inspired he decides he is going to teach his son the game of golf even though he himself doesn’t know golf. That is freaking incredible. Man I love this stuff. Denis looks at pops and says golf you kidding me pops that is an old man sport dad says oh yeah son get your skinny little ass over here…
Pops went big and bet his boy $50 large that he couldn’t hit the ball and our confident young Panda cub says give me that club old man this is going to be the easiest freaking cash a guy can ever make and Panda steps up and swings for the golden ring and completely misses the ball…
Denis looks back at his pops and says pops this is so unfair you know I am left handed you gave me a right handed club now that is some smart and crafty dad teaching his wise ass punk son a lesson I freaking love that action…
After pops put Denis in his place he got him some golf lessons and get this, from a freaking caddie. A CADDIE!!!!! How freaking power of the universe cool is that Denis is about to loop at the PGA at 9:12 am (that’s central time 10:12 EST)!!!!!! How is this even happening right now!!!!!! And, AND, they couldn’t get any lefty clubs so our guy had to learn with righty sticks. That is insane. Even to this day Denis does everything lefty except play golf. Outrageous!!!!
Ok now some personal stuff and let’s start with the most important…
Denis is the proud father of a baby boy. The little Panda cub is 2 and will turn 3 on June 24th and get this, GET THIS, even better than Murph going to Pebble for his honeymoon: The little dude’s name is ACE!!!!!!! That is sick. That’s a great name to honor the greatest freaking game ever played. It’s also the name of De Niro in Casino man what happened to that dude ever since Goodfellas actually Meet the Fockers is solid but we can let that one slide…
I met a guy once his name was Par. How do you name your kid that? Even though getting par in G is solid it just sounds like you are going to be mediocre forever. He was. I have met 3,000+ labrador retrievers named Birdie and that is obviously solid I would go with that with the next dog if my kids wanted to call it that but pretty overused in my opinion. How about that nasty drug dealing surfer dude Bunker in Point Break. Freaking love that movie. LOVE IT! “Two Utah, Two!” Can you name a human being Eagle? I interviewed with this dude once, his name was Hacker. I was going for the job so I couldn’t ask him if he was serious when he introduced himself but it really was his given name. No kidding. He was a loser. Sorry back to our hero…
No doubt Panda is having a great influence on Ace. Panda was on the bags a few weeks ago and I asked him how his winter was and he said amazing he hung out with Ace the whole time I freaking love that…
Denis is really simple when it comes to his pursuits in the culinary world his favorite meal is an absolute no brainer for him cheeseburger with a “tad bit of bacon.” I don’t even know what that means Panda. I still don’t. When I asked him to clarify I had no idea what he was talking about in response he said just a little bit of bacon and when he said that we actually got in a bit of an argument I am still perplexed. Go big or go home my bacon cheeseburgers need at least 5 slices of bacon…
When I asked our guy what he likes to read he said next question and I said no seriously what is your favorite book and he said no seriously next question but the dude does love himself some Game of Thrones action. I remember way back in the day when that first came out we were traveling with the lacrosse team I was coaching to an away game on a coach bus (obviously private school Greenwich DUH) not the big uncomfortable yellow school busses with no shocks that give us some character and keep us humble that we all rode in high school and the boys asked if we could watch Game of Thrones and like total freaking rookies we ask if it is appropriate and obviously a bunch of 14-18 year old boys say yes and we put it on 30 seconds in we had to ditch that bad boy. I am going to have to check it out…
When I asked Denis if his name has two n’s or one he told me one and that he has the great pleasure of repeatedly being told by the boys in the yard that it is easy to remember that it is one as all you need to remind yourself is to simply take the letter D out and replace it with a P. Nice to see the loopers have about the same level of maturity as the rest of us…
I forgot to ask him the origination of his last name so when I saw Summa I asked him if he knew and he said yeah, a town in Africa. There is an actual town in Africa called Mpanda. That is sick! Summa and I looked it up on his phone and the bus stop symbol thing seemed to encompass pretty much the entirety of the place. Freaking love these American dream stories nothing, NOTHING freaking better than coming to this place from another place and dominating the American dream…
When I asked Panda when he actually did come to The States he told me when he was 13 and get this, FREAKING GET THIS, the guy went to high school with Mike D. and Billy The Kid Wilson. We have the freaking Norwalk Mafia in our midst…
And get this, FREAKING GET THIS (man I am excited this morning) I nearly fell out of my chair when Panda dropped this one on me and it is important to keep in mind I am just reporting this stuff here this is in the words of Panda I have a recording of it so I don’t get canceled Mike D. and Billy The Kid Wilson may have a problem but forget them we live in a savage world and anything for a laugh especially at someone else’s expense you know The Legend of Legends Sir DeNNis Powell will appreciate that and The Legend of Legends must also be pumped that if you drop the D in his name and add a P like the caddies in the yard at the O&O it doesn’t make sense…
Again, Panda’s depiction not mine I kind of sound paranoid now…
“I was a total fashion guy in high school so I am walking around in my fly Timberlands and jeans and fitted hat and I am looking for the golf team meeting and I find the sign on the door that says golf team meeting and I walk in and there are these two dudes sitting there who end up being Mike D. and Billy Wilson but this is the first time I have seen these two cats and in their pathetic attempt to intimidate me they say hey don’t you think you are in the wrong room and I say no I know how to read.”
Nice try Mike D. and Billy The Kid!!!!! No psyching this guy out. Freaking love that you guys are such good friends to this day. Nothing like high school buds that last the test of time…
I cannot think of any better way to end this celebration of all things guys and all things golf and all things brotherhood and all things O&O and all things Denis Mpanda than to bestow upon you all what Denis’s father always told him as a young Panda cub: “Whatever you choose to do in life, son, make sure you like it, and if you do, you better be good at it.” A lot of people out there in the world would be well served to understand the second part of that advice. Heck yeah! Do something you are passionate about but you better freaking work your ass off and be good at it.
HECK YEAH POPS!!!!!!!!! You know Denis and Casey have been working a long time for this moment.
Casey and Denis, GO BE FREAKING CHAMPIONS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Denis, your dad is looking down on you boys as you both head out on dreams you have both set your sights on for much of your lives. INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Living proof, LIVING FREAKING PROOF that the American Dream is alive and well and when you set your sights on something and work your freaking ass off, WORK YOUR FREAKING ASS OFF, you can do anything you set your mind towards.
Go get ‘em boys!!!!!! The O&O is so proud…
Live to fight another and ONLY, FREAKING ONLY UP AT THE O&O!!!!!!!!!!!!!