The Cauldron Golf Season Edition Recap #7
Thursday, May 13, 2021
The Inaugural Cauldron Cup Edition
This past Saturday up at the One and Only we became witness to American ingenuity, a tireless work ethic that only exists in those who value the American Dream, and the perseverance to pull off the unimaginable.
You see, back in the winter when we were enjoying a bro sesh around The Pit after a dominating performance by the paddle guys (I was there but did not play as I was suffering my first pathetic injury of the season) none other than our fearless leader and GM for the paddle program, Harry DeMott, started some chatter about a day where we would have a golf and paddle Calcutta. I still don’t understand what a Calcutta means, they don’t teach that in DIII, but it sounded really cool. Harry wouldn’t drop it. He kept talking about it. He was persistent. I suspect most of the guys around The Pit were having the same thoughts I was having, “that new dude Ocken went down, Garnett went down, Peake and Horner have lost to the opposite sex on multiple occasions, this season cannot end fast enough and once it is golf season there is no way on God’s green earth that I am going to sacrifice my body and risk potential injury that would negatively impact my golf season. The Calcutta thing sounds great Harry, best of luck it will never happen.”
Well my brothers, this past Saturday a miracle unfolded in front of our eyes up at the One and Only. GM DeMott had a vision and he executed it beautifully. He is a living legend!
The Line-up:
GM Harry DeMott / Teddy “Ballgame” Sirvaitis
Jamo Carr / Max Lepivert
John “between the pipes” Kunschner / Kevan “K-MAC” McKinney
Keith Dardis / “Twin Tower” Tommy Hall
Mr. White / Andrew Peake “Ski Shop”
Tomas Arlia / Carter “Tommy Boy” Evans
Chris “WAAAASSSUPPPP” Pilder / Kenneth “Ripley’s Believe it or Not” Ripley
Chris “Coco” Cocozza / James “Captain” Fowler
Kenneth “Ex Presidente” Dardis / Andy Burdick
Kurtis “Crazy Train” Babczenko / Jackson “baby face” Kleinert
Tito / Panther
Chris “Put me in Coach” Foster / Neal “Spit Shine” Howe
Mark “Doc” Lorenze / “Twin Tower” John Waldron
Steve Garnett / David Tarifi
The winners:
Golf
1st low net - Lorenze and Waldron 63
2nd low net - Kieth Dardis and Hall 65
3rd Low Net - Cocozza and Fowler 66
Paddle
Winner - Kunschner and Fowler
Runner Up - Lorenze and Waldron
3rd Place - Howe and Foster
The action got going at 1:30 with staggered tee times. We played a shamble format (best drive of two play your own ball from there) and the brothers proceeded to put up some solid numbers.
Highlights from the golf:
Once again, fashion choices were at the forefront of the action. The Panther and Max duked it out for best wardrobe. It was a close call. But I am going to have to give this one to Max. Hard to beat the nearly all black ensemble of capri’s and vest. He did sport a hot pink long sleeve shirt underneath that added a nice bit of flare. Speaking of flare, I enjoyed seeing his shades on top of his winter hat as we all headed out into the drizzle. When you are as good as Max is with any kind of racquet in his hands (he is one heck of a golfer as well) you get away with things like these. When your nickname is The Panther you get away with this stuff too. It’s how it goes. But mostly they get away with these fashion choices because they are such great guys and good sports.
Brother Tarifi and I played with brothers Lorenze and Waldron. Tito introduced me to Tarifi early in my Stanwich membership so we have played some “g” together. But it had been a while so great to be back in action. Have played with Doc Lorenze as well who conveniently has office hours on Friday evenings and as such is unable to come to Stag Night to tell his joke. That’s like having a client dinner during Covid on Thursday nights and you all of a sudden cannot make the paddle match.
We all know Doc can play. First time playing with Tommy Hall’s Twin Tower brother, though. When I saw the five shots a side on Waldron’s scorecard and his first tee shot (which they ended up using, Doc went for the green and the tree won) I figured Tarifi and I could beat these guys. Man was I wrong. We got smoked! David and I must have been imposing figures in the box because after one, these boys got hot, real hot! Like 63 hot and they took the golf portion of The Cauldron. Fun to watch!
Heard some OOOOHHHH’s and AHHHHHH’s out there but yet again, no one could take the time to fill me in. I have no other golf news to report. Maybe the excitement was from Michelle driving around offering Airstrikes? That is right my brothers! Michelle was on Airstrike duty and she did not disappoint. That was unexpected and welcomed. Great job Michelle. Thank you! Only at the One and Only!
Onto the paddle:
Most importantly, the hydration station down at the paddle courts was outrageous. Full bar! There was a lovely woman working behind it and she clearly had no idea what she was getting herself into when she accepted that job. The brothers followed the normal protocol of complete and total savagery. Nothing was safe. Including those ridiculous fried chicken sliders. There is some kind of insane sauce on those bad boys and the pickle puts them over the top. Look, I have celiac disease. I crushed ten of those suckers. Those things are so good it is worth their vengeance the following day.
You guys obviously know that whole index thing in golf. Would you believe they have one of those ratings for paddle now? They do. Max was not able to explain to me how it works but they do have one. These country club sports are hilarious. In football you show up, you play, and if you assert your will upon the opposing team and dominate them you win. Period, end of story. There aren't any ratings or rankings blah blah blah!. No one is handicapped. You just play. Well, now my brothers we can all be equals in a paddle, too. This sounds awfully like everyone gets a trophy. I digress. Moving on but you have to admit, this type of nonsense only exists at country clubs.
Had a blast playing paddle. Tarifi was a champ and played for the first time, ever! That was cool. Some other dudes just played golf and bailed on the paddle. Not sure why but I bet they had solid reasons. Freaking great to welcome a new brother into the fold. He isn’t new to the club but haven’t seen him hang down at The Pit much. Kaiser’s own Kin, the one and only Jackson “baby face” Kleinert, played with the brothers for the whole day. Great guy. What a gem. That kid can hang!
Somewhat of a blessing in disguise given that the next day was Mother’s Day - The new Pit wasn’t working or not ready or something like that. Again, a blessing. The area looks great if you haven’t been down to check it out. I guess we are growing up a bit and wanted to be in great shape for all the moms out there. The initial savagery fizzled out rather quickly. We must have built up quite a tolerance throughout the paddle season. It has been a while since all night Pit sessions.
General Observations:
Great to see brothers Jason Fay and especially Matt Ocken come for the festivities. Love that effort! Love it!
Tomas is annoyingly good at paddle (I hope that doesn’t boost his ego any more than it already is but the Argentinian can play). He never once responded to any of my emails last winter when I was asking for guys to play on Thursday evenings. Moving forward I am going to be far more aggressive.
Golf is kryptonite for all other manly activities that require one to exert any kind of athletic movement. There were some good points out there but I have never seen grown, somewhat athletic over the hill men move so tentatively on the paddle courts. We are terrified of missing any golf.
We must burn wood in order to return to our neanderthal state. It really was a tame evening without fire.
Nothing better than hanging with your brothers up at the One and Only.
Another thank you to GM Harry for having the vision and fortitude to follow through and not just be another blowhard who talks a big game. As the great Stevie Strachan would say (David and I had him on the bag, so lucky!); RESPECT BROTHER!!!!!!!
Thank you to Summa and Scali and Michelle and Josh and Henry and ALL the boys in The Shop for their patience and creative genius and outstanding senses of humor.
Thank you to Max for being our fearless racquets leader.
Thank you to Guy for supporting the many different visions and ideas that come his way.
Needless to say, Stanwich is a special place.
Only up at the One and Only!
Live to fight another day!
